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Friday, October 1st, 2004
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Well.. I'm glad I vented.. I just had that all built inside of me.. I needed to have it written down.. I did the same thing after Will and after Justin. So it helps.
I have moments of sadness I guess you can say.. and I'm having one now. So I dunno.
I'm supposed to go to the movies sometime with Brandon, hopefully he won't be too drugged up to comprehend the movie.. LOL.. (I'm just kidding brandon).. and I called hima nd thanked him for the little graffiti piece he made for me.. it's really pretty.
But anyways.. I dunno how I feel.. blah.. A part of me hopes maybe one fine day Mark and I will get back together.. but then again I really don't care, cuz after this, I'd just out grow him.
So I dunno..
I'm more pissed off because I MISSED CSI tonight. argh..
I'm talkin to this dude, he's like.. 21 and lives in Charleston. I might give him a call sometime. He seems nice. *rolls eyes*
Well I'm gonna finish my convo with Kris and then go watch the boob tube! woot.
Au revoir.
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Well.. what the fuck is there not to say..
Before you read this.. if the person that's in the subject matter reads this.. I hope you read it all. (not that I think you read this)
I completely do not understand.. how a guy you date.. can love you more than anything else in the world.. and then fucking tell you he wants to be with you.. and then says it's not going to work and starts dating someone else.
Well.. I sincerely fucking hate you for that.. because I think it's rediculous bullshit.. and you're a rediculous human. I stressed you out too much.. that's bullshit too.. and very fucking selfish.. what about my feelings? Apparently ya didn't care too much for them now that you've moved on to a less stressful female. FUCK you. Stress? What were to happen if you got me pregnant? Hmm? That would have stressed you out too.. and by the looks of it.. thank god that didn't happen because now I see that you're a cowardly bastard and you run from things when they stress you out..
Couldn't even give it a second chance. I believe in giving second chances. Apparently you don't. Well I think that's because you had your eye on someone else and didn't FEEL like trying. Lazy.
You took my fucking life from me. You don't know what I have sacraficed for you, and have done for you to accomodate you into my schedule to make you happy so we can be together.. and apparently that was a fucking waste of time and money because if you gave a damn about that and what we did have... I would LOATHE you like I do now. And I say now because.. maybe when I'm over this.. I won't hate you. And I want to be friends.. but then again I don't, because I can't stand to look at the selfish cowardly bitch that ripped my fucking heart out of my chest and put it through a grinder. How fucking rediculous it is to hear you say you're scared of getting hurt and you KNOW I would have never hurt you or atleast I would never intend on it and then you rush off to be with someone else. Fuck you for that. And fuck you for leading me on.. and fuck you for having no fucking spine. And Fuck you for making me think you were the man that you are when all I see now is a 17 year old boy who didn't give a shit.
Fuck you for throwing away one of the best girlfriends you had. Because in all acutality I am a goddamn GREAT fucking girlfriend.. sure I bitch a bit much.. but did you take into a account that I'm on birth control which hightens my irritablity plus school, plus work, PLUS I don't bitch for no fucking reasons something has to FUCKING SET ME OFF. No, ya sure fucking didn't. And did you every try telling me something was wrong? No you sure didn't. And when I knew something was wrong, didn't I fix it like I PROMISED I would? Yes.. YES I fucking did.
I recall letter you wrote me.. 8/11/04.. our 4 months, when you said everything is gonna be ok and you miss me so much and you wished I was there and etc etc.. how the FUCK can you fucking go from that.. to 8/26/04 .. (me)"Do you still want to be with me?" (you)"-silence-".. (me)"you don't want to be with me anymore, do you?.... do you????" (you)"No I don't"
What in god's fucking world brought that shit on.. I don't fucking understand it..
and to tell you the truth, if you did that. You never loved me like you did.. you don't fucking "FALL" out of love like that... you just lusted me.. and liked me a lot.. so FUCK you for lying to me too. And fuck you for letting me get so goddamn fucking close to you when you know I get attached easily and you ripped the fucking mat out from under me leaving me in shambles. FUCK YOU for not understanding why I call you cold hearted. You are fucking cold hearted. How can you fucking love someone so much and then not at all and not even call to see how they're doing and start dating someone else not even a fucking MONTH after you broke up with them. You ignorant fucking asshole. Jesus christ, and I don't know what I'm more pissed off about.. how much of a fucking idiot you've become or you completely hurting my feelings and not ever wanting to enter into a relationship again because you KNEW how much i've been hurt in the past and fucking deliberately hurt me the worse I've ever been hurt in my entire fucking life. I fucking HATE you for that. And I hate myself for thinking "this is the guy I can spend the rest of my life with.. or atleast a long time" and I hate you for saying shit to me about getting married and "our" kids..and I hate myself for listening to that because I should've fucking KNOW that that was just some bullshit lies or atleast just some bullshit because you just felt that way at the time.. well don't ever fucking say that shit unless you actually mean it with all your heart.
And maybe we did rush into things too fast.. but did you at any god mother fucking point tell me we need to slow things down a bit? HELL fucking no you didn't. You goddamn piece of shitty ass lying cowardly selfish ignorant fucking bastard ASSHOLE.
But ... at the same time.. I still do love you.. and I hate myself for that. Because after all this shit you put me through.. and thinking about what I've done for you or would have done for you.. I shouldn't love you anymore.. because you apparnetly don't give a shit about me... or love me anymore.. or even care to make sure I'm ok. I'm not ok.. and I won't be ok for along time because you have made me feel so goddamn deathly uncomfortable now.. I rather die sometimes then live. You were my once safe haven from all the bad shit.. and now that you're the one giving me bad shit.. I feel so fucking alone.
It must be nice to have moved on to a new girlfriend. I don't understand how you can fucking say you hate yourself so much over this.. and be with someone else.. in a happy relationship anyways... how can you do that.. how can you hate yourself for hurting someone that loved you more than anything else in the world and would have FUCKING DIED FOR YOU FOR YOU TO LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.. and be happy with someone else? FUCK YOU DIRT BAG.
You see why I'm so pissed off? HUH.. DO YOU FUCKING SEE WHY? Do you fucking see why I said to you the other day that I did hope you died at a period of time? Do you fucking still blame me? Haven't you been so pissed off at someone that hurt you that you wished bad things on them and if you fucking say you haven't you're lying because I know you have. So fuck you for not being understanding.. like you should have been. And fuck me for ever believing a word you said.
I dedicate the lovely song "Deanne the Arsonist" by MY FAVORITE FUCKING BAND Atreyu, to you.
WELL.. now that I'm done with that part.. i'd like to close by saying thank you for a wonderful time, but we apparently wouldn't have worked out because I need a guy who can handle shit in life.. not someone who runs when it gets hard. Maybe you WERE that guy but from your actions you sure as hell don't seem like it. Things happen for a reason and I am pretty sure that I have bigger and better ahead of me. I can get just about any guy I want so wasting time on you isn't worth it.
And if ya really wanted to be friends, as you said you did, maybe you should act like it, because in the long run, I wouldn't mind it.
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Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
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Guess what everyone!
My Birthday is SEPT. 9TH!!.. THIS THURSDAY.
It's probably going to suck though, just because of things.. but, hopefully I am wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG.
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Friday, August 27th, 2004
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| Time: | 3:35 pm. |
| Mood: |  melancholy. |
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Mark and I broke up yesterday.. for really no reason at all. He says I bitched too much, then when I fix it.. a few days later it's over. I don't understand.
I'm so fucking upset I don't know what to do with myself. I hate this.
I love him so much..
I just want to cry forever.
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| Time: | 3:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  excited. |
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HEY HEY HEY
guess what guess what guess what
I got a car today
MWHahahaha
it's a 95 Chevy Cavilier.. not in bad condition either.. so hopefully it'll last me awhile.. yay.
Oh and we're gonna be moved out by this Sunday hopefully.
Au revoir.
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| Time: | 1:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  good. |
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Well hidy ho peoples.
Not much going on. Just working like.. EVERY DAY of my damn summer. Today's my day off though. It's bullshit.. we got this new schedule thing, and I have some rediculous hours.
1:30 to 10:30 next week.. 9 damn hours.. and I'm only working "part time".
Anyways.. things with Mark and myself are still really great.
I'm hoping to get a goddamn car soon.. jeez.. everytime I ask mom to go look at one she doesn't feel like it and I need one because I am gonna need a damn ride to work.
Today is father's day.. I need to go over to my dad's house and give him this best buy certificate I got him last night.
And.. that's about it.. au revoir people.
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| Time: | 1:32 pm. |
| Mood: |  happy. | | Music: | Velvet Revolver. |
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WEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee....
Guess what comes out tomorrow!?!??!?!
THE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE. OH YES!!
Mark and I are gonna go see it in the day time hopefully, then make our way to Echos to see Phillip's band play. The day after that, apparently Lawrences band, is playing at All Books. So we'll see how that goes.
Mom's already started packing and stuff.. kinda.. well she brought home some boxes, so ya know.
I can't wait to move. And a new phone number will be fucking DANDY.. because I am so sick of these stupid ass black people, calling at like.. 3-4 in the fucking morning asking for a cab. Dumb ass bitches.
Yesterday was fun, I went to Mark's house and we played out in the back yard with the water hose and the baby pool, I couldn't get wet though because I was wearing all white.. well, I was wearing my Dickies skirt, but his mom gave me some shorts to wear and then it became all white. But his brother squirt me with the hose and my tank top got wet.. so thank goodness for bras!
Then we ate a steak dinner with baked potatoes.. it was good.. and I sat outside and watched them play catch and baseball.
Just a relaxing day I suppose. It was quaint.
I need to go looking at more cars.. I've been seeing a lot I need to take my mom to look at.
Andddddddd.. I guess that's it for now? Yeah..
Wonderful!
Everyone go see Harry Potter.
Au revoir.
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| Time: | 4:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. |
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WELL!.. Hidy ho everyone who still reads this.. haha
Things have been terrific lately.. school is FUCKING OVER finally.. and now I am a senior. I did turn in my application to graduate early.. and hopefully that will occur my senior year when I go back.
Everything with Mark is fantastic. I keep having shitty dreams about him like I did with the former mistakes, but mom and I both agree it's my insecurity, because Mark definitely doesn't seem the type to do shady shit behind someones back. And plus he wouldn't have time to.
But other than that, I'm content as ever with him. Damn..he's so sweet.. like sugar straight from the cane. Very wonderful indeed. :)
Sarah's mom is moving to RI, which means Sarah is moving in with a frien in Summerville, which is cool, she'll be a little closer.
Josh got a new car, it's a shitty two seater (the car's not shitty.. just the fact that it's a two seater) a del sol or some shit like that, i dunno, it looks real nice. Hopefully he won't wreck this one like he did the other one 10 times or something of that sort.
And WE ARE MOVING... yes moving. moving out of this.. P.O.S. .. into a house in Fox Borough, Tim's old house. Next month infact, the other people move out June 14th, so we'll be moving in after that.
So that'll be really cool. Bigger and Better. I get to redo my room.. it's gonna look AWESOME.
And I'm supposed to get my car within the next few weeks because of transportation complications with my job now that it's summer. But I'm gonna be looking for a new job anyways so that doesn't matter. I'm lookin at this white Honda accord that is up by Mark's house.. I have to take mom to look at it though.
Anddddd.. that's about all that's goin on right now.. I need to get in the shower.. I am gonna go see End of Days with Mark today.. probably his family also.. we went to see Shrek2 the other day.. very fucking hilarious movie.. I recommend all to go see it.
Au revoir!
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My mom left last Tuesday to go to California. It was sad. I wanted to cry all morning just 'cause I'd miss her when she's gone. Mark was comforting me for the most part so I got in a better mood. She'll be coming back the 22nd.
So other than that, not much has happened. My relationship is fucking GREAT.. couldn't be better. And the house and work is the same. Oh and I got my SPECIAL restricted license, so now I can drive after my said hours for a "special" reason, like work or something.
Well, today was just fucking FANTASTIC, as most of them always are.
Mark called me like.. 10 minutes after I got up out of bed, and we talked and then said he was gonna come down my way when taking his brothers friends home and come get me. So I got ready and stuff. He came over and we dropped his bro's friend off at home and then went to Wal-Mart so I could do some food shopping. It was fun. I spent 38 dollars even. Yeah.. umm.. whatelse..
Came back home, I bought Drain-O stuff earlier 'cause the sink in the kitchen was clogged and I couldn't do the dishes, and I fixed that.
We left and went back to Mark's house and he got money then we went to Holly's so he could by his plugs and I can get mine back 'cause he's been wearing mine since he gauged his ears to an 8. Speaking of which, I still have HIS plugs in my ears.. heh.. well, I like his better, they're blue.
Umm.. we went back to my house.. and..heh..
after an hour and 45 minutes we watched tv and then decided to go eat chinese food. So we went to China buffet and ate. His mom called and spoiled the mood telling him he had to come in her work (she's a bartender) and work tonight. But he's gonna get paid so that's cool.
And I changed my schedule tomorrow from 11-7 to 9-4 so after work Mark is gonna meet me at my house and then we're gonna go up to his moms work to eat.
And that's about what's up lately.
I'm working on this project I have due monday. Woo what fun. It should be done tonight, tomorrow.
I can't believe it's 10:11. It feels earlier.
I'm COMPLETELY worn out due to a certain someone. 'Specially my legs. Good grief.
:-p
Anywho.. I must press on.. and smoke a cig or something.
Au revoir peoples.
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Things have been really nice. School has been a real kill joy though. Just rather overwhelming with all the projects and tests all at the end that we're doing and work doesn't help when I need to study.
Mark and I are fantastic. He's the best in the world.
I kinda don't like the fact though that everyone is all "you're ignoring everyone else for him".. well no, not really. Do I have a car yet to go see you since you live 10-20 minutes away or can I schedule my school and work hours around your work hours? Nope, sure can't. And Mark and I are stuck doing what we can when we can 'cause he parents are time eaters. And it's just really hypocritical also. Most of the persons saying that have done the SAME thing to me. So zip it.
Anyways..
The 11th will be our little one month. And I thought it would be nice to go out to eat somewhere nice. And for the occasion, I bought this nice little number:
Mom says it makes me look TINY.. because my waist is so small and my hips are big. But Mark is gonna flip 'cause he doesn't know I bought it yet.
I also bought him a shirt, cd and patch yesterday, he liked them a lot :)
Anywho, I have to get my cleaning done and etc and get ready.
Au revoir!
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Last night.. well yesterday was really fun. I stayed after school with Mark since he had his homebound thing and I stayed in my 1st period classroom to do a test we're gonna finish next week and worked on some other work. He came and got me and we left. His brother was out by the car already so we left and went to my house. I changed and got ready and we left for Mark's house. Got there and Josh's friend Calvin was there and etc because the 8th grade prom was yesterday.
Mark and I went and took his little sister to her friends house and he talked to her mom and we left and went back to his house. They finished what the had to go and we left to take them to the middle school.
Mark and I went to Food Lion afte that to get my work schedule, and then went to Holly's afterwards because my plug fell out somewhere at his house when we were wrestling.
He picked me out a purple one :).
Umm.. After that coming home we decided to get Fazolis. It was good. It's nice going out with him, he's a goofball, I adore it.
Then we went to my house and I accidentally woke Nicolas up. Well, Mart and I went and layed down in my room, and like.. awhile later Nicolas is knocking on the door. So I let him in and pick him up and it started.
The bonding.
Nicolas and Mark had a tickle/fight fest on my bed. It was really cute to watch. So apparently Nicolas really likes Mark 'cause he had a ball with him last night.
It was really cute hearing Nicolas say Marks name too. 'Cause he would put emphasis on the A and R and it would just sound funny.
Anywho. Mark and I ... layed down for the rest of the time. And he left at 11:30 to go pick his brother and Calvin up, and he called me when he got home.. but of course I kept dozing off so he said it was bed time. lol.
Andddd.. who the hell knows what's gonna happen today. It's all rainy.
Oh well.
I'm off to smoke a cig.
Au revoir.
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Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:20 pm. |
| Mood: | happy. |
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Wellllllllll...
I GOT MY HAIR CUT TODAY!
It's rather.. short. Compared to what it was. Mhmm.. eventually I will have pics or you will see me with it when ever I see you. Yep.
Mark and I are doing faaabulous. I love him dearly. He's the best thing ever. :)
And outside of that.. not much else has happened. Work, school, Mark. That's about that.
So I'm off to smoke a cig and go lay down and talk to my love.
Au revoir.
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| Time: | 3:50 pm. |
| Mood: |  okay. | | Music: | The sound of Mark doing his Spanish homework. |
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Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:50 pm. |
| Mood: | exhausted. |
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Today has been crazy as hell... and very tiring..
I need a cig.
Tomorrow will be better though, I don't work, and Mark and I will hang out like we were SUPPOSED to today.
Hopefully we can evade the testing bullshit like we should have today. Sitting in the gym for 2 hours was bullshit
It was fun though, Mark and I passed notes back and forth and did some work and he slept and I complained about my ass hurting a lot, and I bought him a drink 'cause his throat hurt. So yay.
Mark needs to call.
I need some sleep.
It needs to go in that order too.
Night peoples.
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| Time: | 11:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  loved. | | Music: | APC. |
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Well
Happy 420 Homies
That's for tomorrow, since I know I won't be on I bet.
I work tomorrow.
I am happy as fuckin hell though, Mark is comin back to Stratford for the rest of the year. I am so over joyed.
I was at his house all day today too, it's cool over there but certain things bother me, I won't go into that though. Anywho.
We have testing and shit this week, so that's blah, it'd be kick ass if Mark could just come to my house for a bit and then us leave to get to 3rd period but he has make up work and shit to do tomorrow, Oh well.
And he's picking me up and all that nonsense so that's awesome. I'm so friggin happy, I love them man. He's the sweetest thing ever. *does a little jig*
But yeah, too bad I work tomorrow, that's ok, I shall partake in my enjoyment Wednesday since I'm not working. WooT!
Welp, I'm off to get ready for bed, smoke a cig and talk to Mark and fall asleep on the phone with him and him wake me up 5,000 times and then get off the phone.
Au revoir muh dears.
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Saturday, April 17th, 2004
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Tonight.. was FUCKING AMAZING.
I def. will not go into detail. But Mark is fucking amazing.
I love him so much. Weird huh? I never do that, it's creepy kinda, but I can't help myself. Ugh god. I wish he could have stayed longer.
But I'm off to eat. lol..
Imma have a good night sleep. :)
Night kids.
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Ooooohh.. lovely.
Yesterday was freakin great. Mark came and picked me up after school and I came home and took a shower, then we went to Moncks Corner 'cause he had to run an errand for his mom and we went to his house to clean up a bit. Then we went to the mall. He's so friggin sweet, he was looking at panties with me and I got this g-string he picked out, different color but the same style, and I was gonna get these panties he really liked, they had Jack and Sally on them and on the back they said "we're meant to be together", but I bought him a 15 dollar leather wrist thing, so I didn't want to spend 15 more dollars on panties, I'll get them later.
And these little preppy bitches wanted to sit there and go "that guys hot" like.. I heard them, so I started sayin stuff to Mark like "Ya know some people are just friggin retarded and need to shut the hell up before they get a hanger in the ass" and I heard her say some stuff and I think I heard bitch so I was like "excuse me?" and she was like "oh! nothing, I was talking to her" and then they walked off. Yeah that's right. LOL.. I mean, I don't care if you compliment my man, he is fucking hot, that's why he's mine, but they were just little brats about it. But I tried on some pants and he was like "Oh yeah!" he said they were sexy on me, and I liked them too, so I got them. I got a CD too, which Mark has it 'cause he jacked from me.
And then we went to PacSun and he looked at shoes and pants and I got him some cologne, that smells oh so good.
Anddddd.. then we left the mall and went to get gas and then back to his house. He cooked for his brother and sister and we left and then came back to my house. Listened to some music and uh.. messed around a bit.
Then we got all sad 'cause he had to leave and neither of us ever want to depart from each other but ya know. And so I walked him to his car and kissed him goodnight and all that mess.
Came back inside, ate, watched tv, Mark called... kinda, or rather did fall asleep on the phone with him so he decided I need to go to sleep and there ya go.
He said it was cute how I'm all "Noooo" when I don't wanna get off the phone or when I get playful/whiney with him.
And It's hot how the smoke from my cigarette rolls around my lips when I exhale.
He's so adorable.
I love him to pieces.
We're supposed to attend Sarah's little shindig tonight, but I'm still waiting on cracker to get here. I dunno, I hope he's allowed to come over and all that, his parents are rather psycho but they might still be working on his room which is why there's a big hold up.
And.. I guess I'm gonna go call him or something and see what the deal is.
Au revoir peoples.
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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I love Mark so much. He's fucking awesome. He is by far the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. EVER.
Ahh.. but alas.. I am sad. Because he left a little while ago, he picked me up from work and stuff. He's so damn sweet. And we layed in bed and talked about random stuff and he tickled me cuz he ADORES the little squeaks I make, he thinks they're cute.
He's stong as hell too. This man has got like.. muscles for real. His leg muscles are fucking outrageous. Mmmm.. such a hot man. And I like that, because when I hug him, since he's like.. 3 inches taller than me and bigger than me it makes me feel small and safe in his arms. I wish he was here right now so we can lay down and go to sleep and cuddle. :)
Fuck Will and all those other insufficient bastards.
Especially Will for sitting there saying in his little journal that I used him, as a way out. You're a smart cookie sweetie, I think your head was just a wee bit far up your ass.
LOL.. anyways..
But back to my Mark. He is exactly, EXACTLY like me. In every way just about. Insecurities, the things we do, how we act, the way we think, our hobbies, the schools we want to attend and what we want to do there, our future plans.
I really friggin love him. He's by far the best guy I've come incontact with on the planet.
Which reminds me, how I wondered why Will and I broke up, because things happen for a reason, and the reason for that, it's Mark.
Will won't go anywhere in life. Like he said, he's an 18 yr old living in his parents basement working at his parents store that can't drive and barely passed high school, I mean come on. I need a future here.
So I was so kidding myself when I sat there and said Will was perfect, far from it.
So I'm absolutely taken aback by this man. And I went to his house yesterday to meet his family and I like them and from what I hear they like me too, so that's awesome.
Mark and I are gonna, HOPEFULLY, pick up my pay check tomorrow and go shopping. Sarah is throwing some beach themes party this weekend and I need to go by a skirt and some sandles or some shit and Mark said he wants to get some new clothes too, so I said we can both go. So yippie.
Holy crap, we went to Marks old house yesterday in the Hamlets, and we thought some crackheads were in the house cuz the lights were on so we were all sneakin in there, it was amusing.
Anywho, I suppose I'm gonna finish these chicken fingers I got yesterday when him and I went to Arby's, Man I love me some of them curly fries, and wait for my dear to call me.
Au revoir dearies.
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| Time: | 11:20 pm. |
| Mood: | depressed. |
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I want muh Mark *screams*
That's ok. He's picking me up for school tomorrow and I'm going to his house after school to meet the fam. and help clean up their house.
So yay.
But fuck he couldn't come over tonight so blah.
Anywho, I think I need to go to bed soon, I have fucking school tomorrow. *gags*
Au revoir my peoples.
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HAPPY FUCKING EASTER EVERYBODY!!!
I know mine is fucking happy. *does a little jig*
My god.
Mark came over last night when he got back in town!!! We sat on the porch for awhile messing around then went to his friends house and then came back to my house. At this point it's 1:30am. It's been made abundantly clear that he needed to leave.
He didn't leave until 5:30am.
Oops.. lol..
And my mom got to meet him, LMAO.
End result. Both of us not wanting to leave one another and 4 shades of purple on my neck, if ya know what I mean.
And he's gonna pick me up from work hopefully tonight and hang out. We'll see.
Anywho, I have to go, I'm gonna dye some easter eggs. LOL.
Au revoir people.
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suicidefacade's journal
pissed off.
anxious.